P.S. In spite of my “autovaginadentata”, i still have really great sex.
That’s two fingers up (pun definitely intended) to anyone who says heterosex has to involve vaginal penetration to be good.
ok i’m going to ask some detailed, very personal questions, which you don’t have to answer if you choose not to. i am afraid i’m dealing with the same condition and i’m not sexually active, and i feel very daunted that i can’t be in the future because of this. how do your sex partners or potential sex partners react to you not being able to be have penetrative sex? have you had any long term relationships, and did not being able to have penetrative sex affect that relationship in any way? how do you usually tell people, that is if you do? thank you in advance
Firstly, i want to say that i absolutely encourage you to seek treatment if it’s causing you a lot of worry. Not only from a sexual perspective but from a freedom perspective—for example, whilst i don’t really think i’m missing much in the sex arena, i’d really like to be able to have the option of using tampons because sometimes using pads can be really gross. Riding a bike can also be painful for me.
There are lots of treatments available—psychosexual counselling, pelvic floor exercises, steroid treatment, drug treatment to address the chronic pain aspect, anaesthetic treatment, graduated dildo treatment… i could go on. If it’s troubling you, please go to the doctor.
I’ll try to answer. A lot of the answers cover multiple questions—i’ll try to keep it as logically-structured as i can.
"How do your sex partners or potential partners react to you not being able to have penetrative sex?"
It varies. There are three people with whom the topic has come up.
Person A, who i was involved with around the age of 16/17 (and on and off into my twenties, but that’s… the folly of youth), was quite understanding at the beginning, because he put it down to my being a virgin and being nervous rather than an actual medical problem. I thought that’s what it was, too, and i thought it was “normal” that virgins feel pain when they have sex, so eventually i ended up gritting my teeth and letting him do it, thinking that’s what all virgins have to go through. I saw him again at the age of 19 and he was less patient… and i was drunk… so again i let him. On both occasions my vagina tore. Let that be a cautionary tale. I got officially diagnosed at the age of twenty and from then on was quite adamant with him and anyone else that there’s no way i’m putting myself through that sort of torture just so he could blow his load. He was a bit of a tool about it.
Another guy, Person B, was pretty whiny about it. But on the other hand (as i will cover in the answer to the next question), it also allowed him to blame me for his sexual shortcomings…
"Have you had any long-term relationships, and did not being able to have penetrative sex affect that relationship in any way?"
As covered in the previous answer, i guess there are three pertinent “relationships”. With Person A it was less a long-term relationship as a serially short-term relationship sustained over a period of four or five years (a sort of friends with benefits thing)—and i’ve detailed how sex with him worked above.
With Person B it started off as a casual thing but degenerated (and that truly is un mot juste) into a long-term relationship characterised by my: feeling like shit nearly all the time, getting drunk if i knew i was seeing him and trying to break up with him for a year before successfully accomplishing it. It took up two years of my life.
I can’t/won’t share many details, but one pertinent point i should stress is that he was (still is, i’ve heard—but if i never see him again in my life it will be too soon) extremely overweight. He ate like crap and was extremely unhealthy, which meant that he had trouble getting/keeping it up, for starters. He also has an unusually small penis. This was exacerbated by what i think is known as “buried penis syndrome”—he was so fat that the fat on his groin sort of engulfed his penis and made it appear even smaller. These factors combined meant that there was little to no chance he could get it up/in anyone—but my problem meant that he could pretend his problems didn’t exist. Anyway, i hate him.
At this moment i want to pause to say that i know that person B is anomalous and that most men are not actually phenomenal dickheads who i wish would rot in hell.
For example!! I am currently dating a guy—this doesn’t really count as a long-term relationships but i want to end on a high note so please forgive—and the sex is great. Best sex i’ve ever had. My self-hating pussy isn’t even an issue. I cannot stress that enough. It is not an issue. Sex is so, so, SO much more than lying back and thinking of England whilst a dude rams his piece up your vag. There are so much alternatives to PIV (penis-in-vagina) sex.
The 69, whilst it can be distracting (“how can i focus on sucking this cock when what’s going on with my cunt feels so good?!”), is often an underused weapon in one’s sexual arsenal. Speaking of arse… I know plenty of women who very much enjoy anal penetration.
And, of course, your sexual activities and pleasures don’t have to be simultaneous. I really like giving blowjobs, and it means that i can focus on making my partner feel really good without worrying about my own orgasm. Likewise, he really likes going down on me. We can take our time—neither one of us has to worry about whether we’re going to come “too soon” or “too slow”. It’s great. And a boon is that i don’t have to really worry about getting pregnant, either (although i’m really a belt-and-braces girl on that front so i’m on The Pill, too).
Sex isn’t about following a script or a rulebook or something. If it feels good and you both want it, do whatever you like.
"How do you usually tell people, that is if you do?"
With the person i’m currently seeing, it didn’t coming up until he asked about it—asked if i was nervous about penetration. And told him honestly what the deal was. I’m quite open about it with my friends when we talk about sex.
I hope these answers have helped. I really would encourage you to seek treatment if this is distressing you—but i will also emphatically state that it doesn’t have to be a “sexual” problem if you don’t let it—you can have a fabulous sex life without vaginal penetration.